Monday, January 30, 2012

Dia 30 de janeiro

When i came into the room, all were there, waiting for me to arrive. A complete chaos it was. And yet, organized and highly finished. I could feel their anticipation. “What will she do now?” hang in the air. Same as every year. Sadness looked excited, expecting much. Melancholy was arguing with longing and desire about something only they could understand and make sense of. Memory, yearning, and fate were still struggling with the past. Foreigners wanted to put in a word as well, so ערגה hugged weltschmerz, and was holding hands with νοσταλγία and weemoed.

Yes people, it was the usual thing all over again. No dia 30 de janeiro é comemorado o dia da saudade. Oh u don’t speak Portuguese? Maybe Dutch? No? Greek or Hebrew perhaps? Also not? Huh? No German either? Caramba, what languages DO u speak? Anyway, in short English: Today is the day of saudade. And the good thing is, saudade can’t be translated. One can only feel it. And if u don’t? Well no saudade for u then. No worries tho, as u know what they say sometimes: chega de saudade. Besides, most people won’t have the stomach for it anyway, and rather stay at the surface of their emotional life, cherishing a “don’t worry, be happy” lifestyle, going for the lowest EQ possible, and suppressing, hidden somewhere deep down in their fragile system, the knowledge that their inevitable depression will arrive sooner or later no matter what.



Mostly i don’t care much about so called “special” days. Mother’s Day? Psaw! Such nonsense. Too many creepy moms in this world to celebrate that day. Christmas, Easter, or birthdays? Nah, not for me. Cliché, cliché, cliché. Valentine’s Day? Brrrrrr! Worst of them all! And Femdom Day (ah u didn’t know that eh, but yeah that’s right, july 24 coming, lol) only makes me laugh. Silly, silly, silly. Still, there r a few i observe. For instance, Yom Kippur. And so it is with the Day of Saudade. I love saudade. Reason why i called my blog “Ayesha’s Saudade”.



It’s the day i really let myself go. It’s the day i want to feel and remember how it once was with Shirah, my time in Colombia with those extraordinary men, the days in solitude and agony in Syria, my intense and lost love affair with the father of my child, the numerous relationships that came after him, as well as all the things that never happened, and never will, like for instance my meeting with Elizabeth in Jerusalem, ergo the future that will never come. It’s a moody day. A day of ups and downs. A day of sinking deep into a diversity of abysses, of climbing peaks that reach above the stars, of dwelling in depressions not known to me b4 and enjoying them to the fullest. It’s a day of music, tears, laughter, of lingering with emotions, of exchanging thoughts of suffering, pain, and unbearable sadness with Anita who went through some terrible episodes in her younger years, and recovering from that in each other’s arms. I love all that. There is nothing better than to go deep, very deep, to challenge my saudade, to embrace it, to let it overwhelm me, and dominate it at the same time. It’s the day of pure catharsis, strength, and vulnerability. It’s the day when i want to amplify any feeling, any mood, any emotion, to its extremes, to know my naked reality without any bias, without any possibility of escape. It’s a day of compressed and intense living in a short period of time. I long for saudade, to drown in it, conquer it, to possess it like a slave, and free it from its chains.


After a day like that, i feel refreshed, energized, and even more connected with my people than i was already the day b4. As a matter of fact i’m not really waiting to do all this on the official day of saudade, but take the day off for it whenever i feel like it. There r no bad moods remember?

18 comments:

  1. Mistress Ayesha,

    I too find the societal pressure to comply with a given routine on a given day (drink green beer on St. Pats, eat wings on Superbowl Sunday, Have Meaningless Sex on St. Val., on-and-on) to be manufactured as a form of telling me what makes me happy. I have children so birthdays are important markers. Also, x-mas is a big one in their minds. My wife is from Puerto Rico so the also look forward to 3-Kings day.

    For my wife and me, 12-22 is our wedding anniversary. It too is a marker for us we recognize each year.

    I hope your day of marking the past met your expectations. Thank you for the post.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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    1. U r of good will, but still missed the essence of saudade in general, and my saudade in particular. It's ok tho. Not many people understand this "thing".

      Here r a few hints, to help u understand a bit better:

      1) Saudade is not only about the past. I specifically mentioned that in the text.

      2) My past is always present in the present. It's not gone. It's there. Here and now. It's timeless.

      3) No expectations whatsoever! If i would expect anything, it would completely ruin my saudade.

      4) Like it is with the singularity, none of my saudade moments/days r the same. So, no rites, no protocols, no nothing.

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  2. Ma'am Ayesha i think this all is about "the love that remains" of "the love that stays".I know i am not that intelligent like You to understand You...but i always try..hehe...i think Saudade is not a day its a feeling that we all feel every day..till we vanish

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    1. Well, i'm sure not ALL r capable or sufficiently equipped to feel it, but u r right that saudade can stay with a person and manifest itself each and every day. It's just that the intensity, duration, and impact varies. Most people have no grip on that, or can't deal with it in a comfortable and exciting way. I do. Same way like some people can lower their heartbeat or blood pressure at will.

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    2. Ma'am Ayesha believe me You are 200 percent right. You said "It's just that the intensity, duration, and impact varies".You totally explained that feeling.Believe me i am feeling like a student of science who got his concept more clearer.hehe
      You are right that most people have no grip over that..well i live with feeling of saudade all the time.Sometimes it gets more stronger and stronger with each second.Then i used to be a little isolated from fake world and i look at world inside me.I don't know will You agree with me or not but let me share with You feeling of "feminine femdom" inside me give me strength to overcome this.. in fact then i enjoy Saudade.

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    3. "You totally explained that feeling." Caramba, i did? Wow! And to think i don't completely understand it myself.

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  3. haha..Well Ma'am Ayesha as far as for my male in built tiny brain You have completely explained that to me..but since Your intelligence is infinite there may be some explanations hidden and to reach those hidden things Your guidance is absolute necessary.For me You explained a lot but still who knows in this journey where is the end.I think its an endless enigmatic journey and if someone has Your guidance he will learn a lot.

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  4. You knew punjabi language?...lol..can't believe..well the journay yesterday was awesome...it is getting sweeter and interesting day by day:)..tussi bohat hi aala ho;)

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  5. my first reaction to Your reply was that You wrote Italian or French or may be Hebrew then i realized its my mother tongue..You are simply amazing:)

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  6. I won't go into this here right now, but it's interesting no? While it is known to the broader public that French and Italian r connected languages, not many people would belief there r many similarities between Afro-Asiatic i.e. Hebrew, and Indo-European languages, i.e. Punjabi. Still this is true. Just look at Aramaic for instance. It originated in what is now called Pakistan and Afghanistan, and modern Hebrew is based on it. In the language of the Pathans one can easily detect traces from ancient Hebrew. And so there r many more examples of interconnectivity.

    People r more similar and connected to each other then most want to be true, or were taught to disbelief this to be true. They rather emphasize on the differences, hail patriotism as a virtue, think their language is of a better quality than their neighbor’s, and often consider people foreign to their country as their (potential) enemy. I hate that, and find it stupid and sad. It’s also one of the reasons why i have to laugh at, ridicule and mock people, who subscribe to the concept of female supremacy/superiority.

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  7. Ma’am Ayesha it is very interesting hehe.Well You are absolutely true, when we look at the world, people all over seems to be similar but their respective religion’s put boundaries around them. Interconnectivity among people is crystal clear but they always see that with eyes of lie. Hate is the prime objective instead of peace and love. People gave priority to their religion instead of thinking about being a human first.i always used to think that if some alien force from mars attack on earth then it will be a war between humans and aliens. Not a war between Muslims of aliens Jews and aliens or Christians and aliens like that.
    Like You hate those people I also hate them.When I was young I was planted with same hate I confess that in front of Respected You. But with time I realize that that’s not a right thing and then my thinking changed.
    Well You can laugh at and You can ridicule people who chant fake slogans for female superiority but I know You can judge them. You can look inside their hearts and can reach to the truth.Well if You ask me I have a solution to this hatred in the world and I think no religion or cultures can’t promote peace except feminine femdom as defined by You.i declare You my leader for that .hehe.i dont know will You redicule me or laugh at me.
    even if You do that it will be an honuour for me but i hope You wont think that people like me are fake.

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    1. I explained this already many times: I have no intentions to lead a pack of morons who want to make feminine femdom some kind of political movement to bring peace, or anything else, to this world.

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  8. Well Ma'am Ayesha good to hear that.. that's so nice of You to be bold and straight forward.i think You told the truth and You proved that You are not fake.if You message is not for masses then it is still playing great role to change the hearts of individuals like me.i am leaning a lot from You and will continue this in future.

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  9. Like Alexander's dark Band.It is that Dark region between Primary and secondary rainbow. It is a place with no specific distance or measure, a moment like "standing at our own grave, while our tears fell on the stone and get frozen", It is that dilemma of getting hurt"... Every time Our heart is going to open up,We immediately take a step backward...".
    O Saudade, If I could ride a cloud and just "Getting there" to the labyrinth, I would have celebrated "my saudade" every day.

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    1. Ayesha and Alexander were goofing off in the atrium of That Place, discussing Aristotle’s thoughts on μουσική and the impact they had on modern music, while at the same time admiring a double rainbow which had appeared in the skies after the trade winds had chased away a thunderstorm. Looking at this phenomenon, Ayesha smiled and said: "What is invisible for one muse can be an aphrodisiac for another. It simply depends on the time and place of the observer".

      Speaking of going places, reminds me of what a non common sense person once said: "Don't go where the path may lead; go where there is no path and leave a trail."

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  10. "You cannot achieve a new goal by applying the same level of thinking that got you where you are today."
    when you started your feminine femdom,"It wasn’t easy to accomplish this, many resisted and slandered me and my ideas of what femdom is and what it is not (and still do, lol),.." ;But you believed that: "“The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible.”
    Speaking so; "Getting there" to the labyrinth is a path you discovered first and few if gifted or cursed, that make no difference, can see the trail and reach there.
    We are like a droplet of water and whatever the color we reflect, depending on the time or place that won't Change our core and components and for such what a normal human eye can Observe is just a nano second of colorful illusions.
    In my saudade, There is no Observer, there is no reflection of colors, there is no time frame. There is me embracing my core. For this place I will ride a cloud to not leave a trail. My saudade I already enslaved, that no one else can claim it, My saudade is what keep me strong and surviving. My saudade open me the door to walk away from the labyrinth. My saudade is always present to support me when i open my eyes and find out I am in a place I can not leave :).
    I may be a non common sense person because I believe in my saudade I will find the secret for after life too and hug all those I loved.
    O Saudade, be my saudade.

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    1. U surely got the feel of it. And whether u like it or not, u just left ur trail here :)

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