Friday, September 25, 2009

In the Name of.............

It’s said a lot: In the name of God, justice, national security, Jesus, the Fatherland, friendship, peace, the king, the Holy Ghost (er….. Spirit, ), love, science, the other ( as defined by Finkelkraut), honor, the law, human rights, nature, progress, freedom, ……….well u name it.

I’ve decided to dedicate a few words to this phenomenon. I picked some of the subjects mentioned above, to pester u with my thoughts, spread out over several blogs, all recognizable by the same intro-collage (a real beauty this time), but carrying a different number. A video (at times more than one) expressing my feelings and illustrating the prose i wrote, will also be uploaded.

Of cors, i could have done all and everything in one giant blog, but knowing how busy, impatient, and lazy some of u r, i refrained from such action, honoring at the same time ur limited span of attention.

R u still with me? Ok, here goes # 1.


From early childhood i remember i had lots and lots of friends. After school, my parents’ house was almost always filled with them till dark. I was taught what friends were for, and how i should cherish them, no matter what, as friendship was golden. And so it happened i did a lot of foolish things in the name of friendship, even blundered occasionally. Many times i covered for them, when they were totally wrong. Many times i fought their battles, when they were lacking the courage to defend themselves. Many times i took the blame for their unruly behavior. Yeah, I was one of those who came in and stayed, when all others were leaving. I did all this with a conviction worthy a better cause, as i learned during the years that friendship often was not a two-way street, and more than once is kept alive out of egoism, fear, and dogma.

Passing on to my teens, i wrestled with my upcoming sexuality, which differed considerably from what i was taught about it by good willing authority figures, experiences told to me by my friends, and my disgust for the vanilla world, where too many had made it their calling and quest, to gently force me to accept their way of living. The more i battled and criticized these guardians of culture, these carriers of ultimate wisdom, the less gentle, and more violent they became. My friends tried, in the name of friendship of cors, to convince me too, that i was on the wrong track. Slowly but surely they left/abandoned me. I was no fun and too weird, i wanted too much from them, i worried way too often, and was slandered when i showed them how rotten their friendship actually was, when the heat was on, or when they truly had to sacrifice something in the name of friendship.

Long b4 my eighteenth birthday, i mingled with people who belonged to what some r calling the velvet underground. Troubled vanillas usually use the term "kinky" for members of that world, especially when gossiping about people with my sexual preferences, or others whose sexual behavior they r afraid of. To my surprise, i soon discovered that, when it comes to friendship, the kinky ones actually don’t differ much from the vanilla crowd. Hypocrisy all around. Yes, sure, of cors u r my friend, but only when u scratch my back. And mind u, u must always be there for me. So that’s what friends r for? Really? Gee, i hate friendship. I’m sick and tired of it.

More years past, i traveled the world, met zillions of people, went through glory and hardship, suffered physically as well as mentally, experienced passions i never thought possible, tried to live in the name of friendship again and again, honoring an avalanche of definitions of same, and mostly fell flat on my face.

Then, one day, in my mid thirties, completely tabula rasa, i innocently wandered into Cyberspace. Such horror! The place was infested with friends. Like cockroaches they inhabited even the remotest corners of the ever expanding virtual universe, i.e. social networks ruled by greedy vanilla corporate empires, screaming “I love you”, “I will always be there for you”, "I will have your back", and all the other clichés (including stolen sugar coated poetry) i had to absorb r/t ad nauseam already. Yuck, yuck, yuck! And u know what? It was applauded, as if it was real, as if it was meant, as if it had substance. Well maybe this caricature friendship is uplifting to some, is what some seek in their life, but it’s not for me.

Sure, i met a few men and women in here, who had thoughts like i had on the matter, and that was great. But they too were mostly unable to keep up with me. Granted, i’m not an easy one. I love to provoke, to put people to the test, and to challenge even the most sincere and strong ones. Guess that comes with my territory, huh? But mostly our friendship wrecked, cos i rocked their boat too much, cos in the end they too were looking for harmony, for a rosy world without conflict or antagonism, where lovers and friends r resting in each others arms, even when they want to go out jogging. Caramba, even within the realm of femdom they expected that! Yep, that’s what recreational slaves want. That’s their utopia. That’s what friends r supposed to be. Not that they ever would admit this, or even would consider the possibility, lol. For that they were way too angered by my behavior, and never expected me to criticize them after so many exciting exchanges of thought, after having been on the same wavelength for so long. Suddenly not agreeing, was too damn shocking. The ordeal to discover i was not the friend they thought i was, made me an enemy.

Oh btw, ever noticed that ur friends rarely stand by u publicly, when there’s a conflict or collision with others? Only when u and they belong to the same clique or something, some bravery is shown at times. For the rest u r alone. Gives significant substance to: “I will always be there for u” no? Rofl. And let me tell u: Beware of those who vow they will have ur back, as they never will.

So what to do? I still felt friendship could be of value.

Albert Camus once wrote: L’amour est injustice, mais la justice ne suffit pas (love is injustice, but justice doesn’t suffice). And so it is with friendship. Contrary to what many preach and believe, love and friendship r twins. That’s right......twins! That's what i had learned during my travels. Maybe not identical ones, but still twins. Ok, u wisecracker: cousins. Both should be driven by passion, and not by dogmas, rules, rigid expectations, or boring cultural paradigms. That way, love and friendship, and also friendship and love, can be fantastic, something to pursue for the rest of ur life, something u never would want to be without.

Welcoming also (not only accepting ), that friendship and love, and also love and friendship, can be harsh, utterly annoying, devastating, and incorporating even the desire to kill ur beloved one(s) and dearest friend(s) sometimes, will be the icing on the cake. Admitting, that i was able, capable, and wishing at times to destroy even the closest soul mate, soul slave, and soul sister, set me free from all the superficial nonsense about love and friendship that the adorers of harmony and coercion tried to implant in my belief system.

Yes, i will be there for my friends. But not in the name of friendship! And yes i will slap them, mock them, and make them feel miserable, when i believe they deserved it. But i will not call them names. I will not belittle them. I will not humiliate them. I will not dismiss them. I will not slam the door into their face. And i certainly will not abandon them.

Come to think of it...........friendship and femdom r twins as well.


  1. Right it's fast approaching 5 am. I should be in bed as it's early rise tomorrow but I can't stop reading.

    Everyone ditched me, not to call or see ever again. Said I was trouble. I gave everything to my friends and that was that.

    I can relate with blog. I had lots of people around me, regular contact. Calls list was full. Now what? Nothing. But in some ways it allowed me to be me. To see things differently about myself & others.

    Ayesha, see if I make you a friendship bracelet will you wear it?


  2. As with "A flame no more" u were the only one who had the guts to comment here, or had an interest in the subject. Guess stuff like this is too heavy for most citizens of Cyberspace.

    Although we differ considerably in age Paula, it seems we were cut from the same rock!

    Ur bracelet? That would be nice. But be careful. U know only part of me. And i wonder if u would make acquaintance with that other part of me, which i call MyEgo, u still would want me to wear it.

  3. I would comment on all if I had the time & full concentration. I make an effort for you. I like the ones with "0 comments", they might just be the best of the blogs you have made. I immediately click when I see that. Shame others can't bring themselves to them. All the more for me fuckers!

    See the age thing. I found that I can relate more to those older than me. Me & others my age clash. It's like a ticking bomb. I just can't really get them because they lack the experiences.

    I know part of you so far, you should definitely let me in. I want more. I'm willing to wait, to listen, to observe & be there. I'm actually very nice once you get past the fence.

    Remember our first encounter. It was by chance & it was gun related if I remember correctly. What a way to start.

    Come on, I only made Blogger in the first place so I could comment on your blogs. Must be special.

  4. Yes i remember that very well, hahahaha. We were like 2 irritated animals in heat, not tolerating anything from the other. It was fascinating, rofl. I liked ur rawness from the beginning, and instantly knew u were different, special.

  5. It could have went either way that encounter but I'm glad it went the way it did. It was meant to be!