Monday, December 17, 2012


I’m often accused of ridiculing, mocking, and laughing at other people. Especially in Cyberspace this seems to be the case. Many feel I’m not taking them seriously, refuse to show them respect, and unsolicited pass judgment on them. Next to that, a majority believes I’m way too rude, flaming, condescending, arrogant, and exceptionally full of myself. That I keep on criticizing their sacred ideas, beliefs, and alleged ways of living, is topping it off.

And it’s all true. I am and behave like that.

Once in a while a creature pops up asking me: “Who the fuck gave you the right to act like that?” The answer to that is: “Well, actually a whole bunch of people, like for instance, I, jeg, eu, je, ikke, أنا , yo, ich, and of course the incredible אני.

At times, some of them can’t take it any longer, must give in to their anger, lose their cool, and, unable to cope with the exposure of their vanilla reality, start yelling stuff like: “Shut the fuck up Ayesha!” Rude eh? And so impolite too!

So here I am, a pariah, a persona non grata, hated and ignored, abandoned, refused asylum, and deported by the vanilla crowd from their holy premisses, as well as by those who entertain the illusion that they are different from the masses and are representing some kind of revolutionary/devaluated (bdsm) avant garde, a new generation preparing the coming universal matriarchy, or whatever other silly quest they might have decided to sacrifice their yearning soul to.

Zol es brennen, lol! Es macht mir nit oys.

Indeed I can only laugh at them, and occasionally give them a piece of my mind, to keep them awake, on the alert, aware of their rigid comfort zones, the nonsense they are spewing from there, and also to postpone a bit the inevitably gruesome end of their pitiful illusions, fraud, self-complacency, and the burial of their box. Yes I know, no need to tell me, I’m a saint. 

But there are also a few which I don’t define as cattle, would never ridicule, or laugh at. One of them is an extraordinary woman I met in this medium some years ago. I’ve mentioned her before on this site. So here she is for a second time. It’s years that we communicated. That’s often happening to independent people. They meet, feel there’s chemistry between them, travel together for a while, till they find different trails to explore separately. Mentally they stay connected though, bonded without bondage.

I truly can relate to her. She’s a woman genuinely struggling with her passions, willing to put herself, her ideas, her beliefs, her convictions, and dreams up for discussion, without ever losing her integrity, honesty, and pride. Yes, there we have one I do respect, take seriously, hold in high esteem, and love. When we disagreed on something, i.e. religious matters, our disagreements became building blocks, not obstacles.

Here are a few (unedited) lines I wrote to her during the years which I wanted to share with you. Just a few loose ends, often brutally ripped out of the delicious context they once were in, presented to you in no specific order, but nonetheless revealing some thoughts for you to ponder, to internalize, and maybe of assistance to you to finally make that paradigm shift you say you so dearly want, but never could find the guts, energy, or the time to put into action.

Why I’m doing this again? Beats me. I just felt like it. That should be enough eh? Oh yes, more than enough.

The disagreement principle

 ".......since the beginning of time."  What is that......time?

To be "more interactive with people who either believe....." may be nice, uplifting, reassuring, and enjoyable. But it will only bring u that, nothing more. Interacting with people who r challenging ur beliefs, convictions, paradigms, dreams, and proven facts, who r disagreeing with same, putting capital question marks where u thought u had answers, r the ones who indeed will make u feel miserable, lost, doubtful, and wishing u had never interacted with them. But they will make u see more clearly what u thought was already clear enough. They will bring light where u thought brightness was absolute king, and they will show u that there’s darkness where black is a laughable color. They will give u an opportunity which ur lovable, ever supporting, encouraging, and huggable friends will never be able to provide u with. An opportunity to feel the edge of life, the abyss of pain and sorrow, as well as the peak of ecstasy and unbearable joy. Then, the waters of ur river will be split open by the rocks it encounters, but grinding and polishing them at the same time. Ur life will be one of chaos and harmony simultaneously. A paradox for ur sweet friends, but not for u. U said u r on a journey? Then travel!

I don’t think u want me in ur group, lmao.

Rut 1

I'm writing this in private to u, cos if others would read the following, they would feel hurt. Not that i would care, but it's ur blog, and i know u don't like hurting people.

It's always the same story. When u r down, there r always plenty people around who try to cheer u up, assure u that all will be well, that they went through it themselves, etc. They mean well, but it doesn't help. On the contrary. It often makes u feel worse. So many who know exactly what to do eh? But u, u alone, don't know. U really must be a loser no? Mostly they just don't know how to handle the situation, and only can come up with some clichés. In ur case, they silently hate u for being down now. U were always so strong, so outspoken, so clear in ur thoughts, such a leader, a carrier of wisdom and knowledge, etc. And..... u found ur path. U were on a journey. And they r only halfway, or less. And now u fell? Shame on u! But they won't tell. They r ur friends no? Friends don't do that. They're there to support u in ur dark hours eh? So they won't tell u what they really think of u now. But u know nevertheless. And it makes u even more miserable. U r doubting again. U don't know really what ur path is. U want to be free, without having a clue of what that means. U r searching, looking, wondering, and hoping, for the right decisions, for a sign from the Lord/Lady, etc. It's one of the results for idolizing so called positive and optimistic thinking. It also could be the result of having buried horrible events in shallow graves. Events u wanted to eliminate from ur new life. They will never stay underground tho. They r part of u. Even when ur path eventually becomes a highway one day, full of light, ecstasy, and freedom. U can't erase the past! And there's no need for it either!

Now u r down, in the rut, and feeling miserable, it's one thing to listen to all the small talk, to all the platitudes, giving u at best some minor comfort, and the knowledge u have some melodramatic friends around u, who ‘feel’ for u. There’s another path tho. And a very simple one too. But…….. it’s a little unorthodox, a bit paradoxical,  belonging to the world of uncommon sense. In fact, the world u’d like to live in. Try this:  enjoy what ur going through now! enjoy ur misery. enjoy ur feelings of unrest, jealousy, confusion, or whatever u r feeling right now. Go to ur backyard, expose that body of urs to the sun, play some really sad music, and let ur tears flow like that river i wrote u about. And…… do all the things u wouldn’t normally do. Down with morals, responsibility, and other freedom crushers. And for Lilith’s sake woman, shit on sex for a while. Don’t worry about the orgasms of ur sex toy. When the urge becomes too high for him, he always has his Manuela! 

 Rut 2

So this time u enjoyed the rut? Good! It's no fun tho to enjoy a depression eh, indoctrinated and poisoned as u were, that u must hunt for happiness, fun, and having a 'good' time.

Calling an intense emotional episode depression, and even worse to define it as a sickness, is based on the intolerance of a society which can't stand deviation from the norm, and thus needs to punish people who do. Correlating pregnancy and depression is laughable, and an example of this.

I said it b4, and will say it again: NOT feeling depressed at times, in a world so full of war, rape, injustice, hunger, child abuse, pollution,  greed, indifference, envy, oppression, terrorism, theft, murder, and genocide, is only possible for the coldhearted ones,  the ignorant ones, and the ‘no matter what’ fun seekers. U don’t belong to those. U will feel depressed again. Again u will be overwhelmed by it. And enjoy it again. Well….. as long as u desire to sit in the driver’s seat that is.

The following clip is not really my cup of tea and only a part of it could inspire me, but I know it’s Sicily’s. Yours too? Then let it inspire and empower you!

Sex addiction

According to the SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous, of cors eh? And mind u, veeeery anonymous), u need only to answer 'yes' to two (that's 2, or more than one) of these questions to make u a great prospect for the next SAA meeting, a sinner, and one with a huge sex problem.

People who come up with questions like that, probably have sex once every 25 years, as dry as the Sahara, behind closed curtains, in soundproof rooms,  using condoms to cover their big toes, and r asking forgiveness in advance for giving in to their horrible sex addiction. It won’t keep them from going out into the world like the ultimate messiah tho, imposing on the rest of the sheep their wonderful guidance, cure, and salvation.

Now let me tell u this. If i would attend one of those meetings, and would share only part of my sexuality with them heavy addicted vanilla problem seekers, i assure u that all participants would turn into instant alcoholics, or would seriously start contemplating suicide. 

Hmmmmm……..come to think of it, being the majority and all, they could also decide to burn me at the stake. Better follow the advice of my dear dead mother, who always said:  “Stay away from the righteous ones, Ayesha.”


Nice, sweet, and admirable. But an unrealistic and overdone romantic view as well. The world is not like that. People r not like that. Oh yes, i know, i'm generalizing now, which i hate. See? That's how it is. I can't stand people who r generalizing and yet i'm doing it myself. Mea culpa. Be that as it may, it still stands: There r assholes around us. In the Pagan communities as well as in whatever community. I tend to find out the whereabouts of the more infamous ones, to monitor their movements, and make contributions to destroy them. In no way i’m going to debate anything with them! Not even with smaller cockroaches. Instead, i dismiss them, ridicule them, mock them, and gladly send them back to where they came from, which r either the sewers, or comfortable, safe, and climate controlled dwellings. This has nothing to do with "bashing fluffy bunnies" or bringing down any other species. It has to do with recognizing the world as it is right now and how it has been for centuries. Which i can prove quite scholarly on a global scale and by personal experiences as well.

Maybe some problems can be solved between peers, by serious, good willing and passionate people in respectful debate, but to believe this approach could be appropriate for all, is naïve, wishful thinking, and without the desired perspective.

There’s a time for dreaming, visualizing a loving, productive, and sharing human community, tapping continuously in on its better potentials, but there’s also a time for realizing that large groups of our kin r not of good will. If there’s a chance for the Pagan world at all, it should get rid of its parasites, posers, fakes, infiltrators, and other slime-balls, and never go into a debate with same. But u r very vulnerable in that area, as u, Sicily, once wrote, as a response to a religious fanatic, that Pagans only know love, r averse from hate, and other negative traits, while i still cherish to fight my enemies. See? Another contradiction, as i hate to be a warrior. Mea culpa again. Btw, i love that Enigma song.


It was always amazing (and amusing) to me, that any religion or spiritual movement of which i have knowledge of, can be  characterized by trying to find the ultimate cause, the ultimate origin, the ultimate divine, etc etc. Of course larded with many secrets, hidden plans, plenty mysteries, and a shitload of tasks for us poor humans to unravel all this and to find our path to Nirvana, or whatever ultimate state of glory, peace, and happiness.

In Hermeticism all is centered around, or part of, The All. The All is male and female simultaneously. There’s no division between the two. In fact, it’s ridiculous to speak of male and female when it comes to The All. The All is all no? Everything included so to speak, the full package, with nothing left out. (Of cors this could leave us with the question of what is ‘nothing’, but since Sartre, nothing substantial was said about that). But……… (there’s always a ‘but’ eh) trouble was knocking at its door, and an endless stream of creatures was created from The All, creating havoc all over the place. I always wondered why The All allowed all this, why this was necessary, since everything was great and perfect already. Hmmm maybe The All had some hidden masochistic tendencies?

It also strikes me all the time, that although male and female where originally one, the female vanishes soon, and we r left with the Masters, the ones who r carrying all the wisdom, of whom we poor ignoramuses  have to depend on. A sly bunch of patriarchs these Masters, not really eager to spread their wisdom. And especially not to us women. Well count me out. I prefer to carry my own load. Always wanted to, and always did. Besides, never trusted the Patriarch that much, that i would value his knowledge without adding a grain of salt and other spices to his alleged wisdom. And believe it or not, many Masters (hahaha) learned from me, and were only too eager to follow my lead. Well…. um…. uh…. after having received a little encouragement and stimulation from me.

And another thing: In Hermes Trismegistus’ famous emerald tablet it is said that which is above, corresponds to that which is below. Yeah right. Duh. In a universe which mainly hosts spheres (and an overwhelming amount of ‘empty’ space) this really is a great found. Worthy to mystify, and to make it a secret. Roflmao.


".....with my lack of compromise"  Using the terminology u r so fond of: U r blessed! Compromising is one of the most damaging actions u could undertake. Compromising is nothing more than disguised competition. People compromise only when they believe the other party is too strong to beat. Compromising belongs to the repertoire of people who r unable to recognize the value and importance of the needs of their soul,  r prone to give in to the demands of others,  fear to be called egoistic or egocentric, willing to sacrifice their passion for pseudo-harmony, and to bow for the insights and lectures of mediocre and weak  self proclaimed gurus, teachers, guides, masters, and a bunch of other life-savers, whose only goal is to lure u into their realm, in an attempt to eliminate their feelings of impotence triggered by ur independence. They say they love u, but in fact hate u for showing them how wrong they r, how miserable their life is, etc etc. It was always so Carla. People don’t want others to deviate from the gospel of the masses. They will do anything to bring u back to the herd. They will lie, cheat, and even try to kill u for that. All in the name of what’s best for u of cors, even using the name of ur God in vain. It’s pure blasphemy! So if ur at the cross roads again, don’t abandon ur own instincts, ur own insights, ur own experience, ur own beliefs, ur own values, and ur own desires. Don’t exchange ur egoism for that of someone else’s!

For what it’s worth: I still have to meet a person online, who has shown me more open-mindedness, honesty, willingness to put herself up for discussion, and with such a drive to find her own path, than u! If there’s one person online who should trust herself, than it’s u. Don’t change!

 Gender religion

Even the ultra patriarchal god in monotheistic Judaism has a feminine side, namely the Shekhina. Of cors she's not mentioned in the bible, being a "man's tale" scripture. In the Kabbalah tho, there is no hesitation to discuss the feminine aspect of god. There she often appears as the Matronit, and even as Lilith, who of cors was condemned by the patriarchs to become a demon because she was even more powerful than the masculine god. Nowadays she's merely seen as Shabbat Hamalka, the bride of god, but still powerful and glorious, celebrated every saturday by all Jews.

"So God created Humanity in God's own image" Be that as it may, fact is that  both genders carry each others sexual characteristics. We all have nipples no? Only mine r suited for feeding while those of  the  father of my daughter r not. His penis resembles my clit. Both genders have the same hormones i.e. testosterone, progesterone, only the amount of it differs, etc. Although men and women developed huge differences since they’re walking, conquering, and polluting the earth, it’s a bit silly to emphasize these differences all the time. Instead we should celebrate the similarities. We should welcome the feminine aspect of the male, as well as the masculine aspect of the female, and not supporting  the ideas launched in books like, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.  Maybe exactly that was the message of the ancient ones when they developed the idea of a  feminine/masculine deity, so we could have an anchor to cling to when in doubt about our identity. Separation of the genders might have been an evolutionary cq biological necessity, but it shouldn’t keep us from re-uniting our souls!


U know what good medicine is in cases like this? To stroke his ego a bit more (which btw equals to stroking his dick)  by telling him that he's soooo right to believe u r not his equal. Then.... take his shivering manly hand (softly eh), and bring same to ur breast, breathing heavily (not heavenly!), looking up to him with ur hungering, half closed, eyes, leaning towards him, placing ur  head in total surrender against his super duper chicken torso, whispering……….u know oh master of the universe, thou art my property, i own u completely, u will do exactly as i say, as u r my slave, far from being equal to me.

From then on… will be ur story.

U know why i keep writing 'r' 'u' 'b4' etc? Various reasons. But one of them is, that i like to provoke grammar and spelling freaks, who can't get it into their head, that both change over time, and what is 'wrong' today, will be 'correct' tomorrow, etc. Besides, i rather master speaking several languages, instead of writing one or two 'correctly'.

That's why i keep contributing to ur blog: The feeling and certainty that u will make ur own decisions. I don't want any followers. I don't want to be one who's guiding others. I have no tendency to be a teacher. I don't wish to establish another movement, religion, anti-religion, or silly secret sisterhood.

I think u r the right stuff when it comes to breaking loose from the curse of one-dimensionality. Like me, u will be practically alone tho. Which in my view, is better than to be surrounded by people who'll never have the spirit nor the guts to really think out of their boxes or bubbles, only fooling themselves that they do.

Once the breakthrough is there, the most difficult and enjoyable part is still to come: To take action on ur insights, to develop and maintain same.

I wonder what would happen if one day ur path would cross my Escher highway.

On appelle gens de bien ceux qui font comme les autres. ........C’est la vie, la peste et le choléra!


  1. Congratulations ! You end up the year with fireworks. It's excellent.

    By the way I never realised that you are a saint... I could not be, because I am not religious. I am just the Holy Mackerel ;-)

    1. I'm a saint all right, but not a religious one. In the Labyrinth rubber nuns are a regular sight, interrogating repenting males hanging upside down from the ceiling (or in another delicious position), and willing to take their confessions the moment they feel they are ready for it, while Mother Ayesha, a.k.a. Santa NostraDomina, is watching the scenes via the Labyrinth's closed circuit, giving her holy blessings to it all.

      "Holy Mackerel"? Sounds fishy!

  2. hahahaha Merry christmas

    1. What a blunder! Everybody knows it's hohoho this time of the year.

  3. The Holy Mackerel has remained mute of late, reason being that he feels like frozen fish in the winter of Kazakhstan steppes. He found somehow a way to tell you that your blog is appreciated all over this planet, wherever, and that he wshes zou a fabulous New Year.

  4. Bloody English keyboard... Why cannot they put y where y belongs... On top of driving on the left side...

    1. Yes, and them noisy lefties intentionally hid the "i" as well, wishing it to disappear forever, but as you can see, they were no match for me and failed. You on the other hand? Totally different story |)

      Re "appreciated": You wouldn't want the hordes that can't stand this blog, even hate its contents, and pray for it to disappear from the Cyber Scene, to sit on your payroll, as you would go bankrupt within a nanosecond, hehehe.

  5. To put is in few words...
    Even when freezing my ass in Central Asian steppes
    I cannot get you away from my mind
    Intense yearnings

  6. Replies
    1. Quite a common phenomenon. No surprise there. I'm used to it.

  7. You surely are, no doubt about it. But this was new to me, as I could not guess beforehand how strong your impact would be on my mind and on my feelings.